In The In Between

My husband and I talk in conversations that go round and round, part dreaming and part questioning and part scared out of our minds at what the next steps may be. In three separate areas of our lives, we are staring into a great unknown. Question marks loom huge on our horizon, glaring brightly and taunting us toward action, even though we don't know what the action should be.

We echo the cry from 2 Chronicles 20:12, "We do not know what to do, but we are looking to You for help." In a society where "YOLO" reigns and people are most apt to act now and think later, we stand apart, poised for action but unmoving. The waiting time is hard. We are no longer where we were, but neither are we sure of where we are going. 

Our instinct is to fight against the pressure of the in between, to push back against the growing and stretching of our spirits that happens here. Our instinct is to hop back and forth from on foot to another, like a sprinter waiting to get set for the race. Our flesh tells us to just go ahead and pick something and move forward, because surely doing SOMETHING would feel better than waiting patiently. But God has a different plan for the waiting. 

Because right here, in the in between, is where the growing happens. The uncertainty of the in between causes us to draw even closer to God, seeking the quiet of His still waters in the midst of the questioning of our hearts. This is where God does the molding and shaping of our hearts and spirits that will need to happen before we move forward. Here is where our faith learns the disciplines of trust and perseverance and steadfastness that will be necessary if we are ever to walk into the plans He has for our future. So we wait, with heads bowed in prayer and eyes pouring over scripture.

Because just as He promised, at just the right time, He will respond to us (Isaiah 49:8). He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Mal.3:3). And as L.B. Cowman so perfectly put it, "Like a true goldsmith, God stops the fire the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal... Don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Then you will know you could never have served in your place of higher service without having been taught the very things you learned during your ordeal. God is in the process of educating you for future service and greater blessings." (Streams in the Desert)

We will wait, and seek, and study, and pray. And we will watch for Him to shine His light just enough for us to see the next step.

When Your Spouse's Words Deflate You

It came out of no where.

We were sitting down with the kids having lunch and a nice conversation. I said something, and he responded in a way that I perceived as very critical and unkind. And I was deflated. Immediately.

The conversation ended there, and he could tell what had happened without me even having to say anything. We have talked about this before. He knows how important words are to me. He knows they have the power to build me up or destroy me. And he knew what he had just done. He apologized, and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.  I believed he was sorry, but that didn't change the way I felt.

As lunch ended and I cleaned the kitchen up (I declined his offer to help), my mind kept going back to what he said. I stewed on it. Angry thoughts came to my head. "Well, now I know what he REALLY thinks." "I'm sure not going to bring that up anymore!" A song came on the radio reminding me to forgive. I sang the song, but still the battle raged in my mind and heart. I recognized my tendency to hold on to hurt, and I really wanted to change that about myself. Yet I lacked the strength to change my own heart. Finally, I went to change the laundry. In my mind flashed an image of Scott and me laughing together, enjoying each other, loving each other. Quietly the Lord spoke to my heart, "Doesn't that feel so much better than this?" I agreed that, yes, feeling free to love and laugh with my husband feels much better than being held captive to anger and hurt feelings. He reminded me that in order to take hold of the one I had to let go of the other. That finally gave me what I needed to fully let go.

We can't control what the people around us do or say. We can't control how their actions or words make us feel, but we can control how we will respond to it. I must admit that the old me would have definitely held on to that hurt and let it affect the way I treated Scott for the rest of the day, at least. But this me, the one who is daily seeking to be refined and sanctified by Christ, allowed Him to break through my thoughts. And this me decided to act on what I know, rather than what I feel. He had apologized, after all, and he was authentic in his remorse. The burden of responsibility lay with me.

After the kids were in bed, we sat in the living room folding laundry. We were casually talking and enjoying each others' company. Gently I said, "You know you really hurt my feeling earlier, right?" He said, "I know, and I am so sorry." I told him I knew he was sorry, I could tell when he had said it. I had seen the pain in his eyes when he realized he had hurt me. I told him about my struggle to let it go, but that I realized that if I wanted God to change me I had to actually allow him to. He looked me in the eyes and thanked me for being the woman that I am.

I believe that this is one of God's purposes for marriage. He created us to sharpen each other, to make each other better. And that means there will be conflict. I pray that God would always cultivate in me a spirit that is willing to grow.

We see it as pain and hurt and struggle in our marriage. He sees it as a way to make us more like Himself. 

How "Should" Is The Destroyer Of Joy

Should. This word slips unnoticed into our vocabulary all of the time. "We should try that new restaurant down the street." "You should be considered for that promotion because you are such a great worker." "I really should go to the grocery store before we completely run out of food." That last one finds its way out of my mouth more frequently than I'd like to admit. 

"Should" worms its way into our vocabulary without us even giving it a second thought. But soon, if we aren't careful, it starts to show its ugly side. Before we are even aware of it, "should" starts telling us about the ways that we don't measure up. "I should exercise more if I ever want to look as good as she does." "I should be able to have my act together and keep my house clean." "My husband and I should be able to get along as well as that other couple does." And when our realities don't measure up to all of the "should" statements, our joy turns to disappointment.  

Seven years ago I was sitting beside my husband on an overly stuffed brown chair in our therapist's office. We were meeting with him for help in putting our shattered marriage back together. I started telling our therapist about the stress and disappointment I was feeling because of all the things I wasn't able to accomplish that I should. I wasn't able to keep up with the laundry.  I wasn't able to keep the house clean. I wasn't able to reliably have dinner on the table. I was losing my mind trying to care for our 3 very young children, not to mention look put together all the time. Plus there was the whole "my husband was gone for 2 months with another woman and was back home and we were trying to figure out how in the world to move past the hurt and build a marriage that had any hope of surviving" part. And I was talking about how I "should" be able to deal and keep every other aspect in my life as perfect as everyone else was portraying in their pictures. When I finally stopped talking long enough to take a breath, our therapist asked me one simple question. "Megan, WHO is telling you that you 'should' be able to do all of this?" He already knew the answer, but he knew I needed to voice it. I had nothing. I had no one else that I could put the blame on for all of these "should" expectations but myself. And in voicing this, I realized that if I was the one putting these expectations on myself, I was the one who could give myself a break. I didn't have to "should" anymore. I needed to take a step back and analyze where I was at that point in my life and figure out what was realistic for me then and what was not. And that was so freeing. 

This is still a battle that I fight every day. It's not a one-and-done kind of thing. With all of the perfection that everyone portrays on social media, it is so easy to fall into a "should" mentality when looking at our lives compared to what we see in others' lives. Even in the absence of social media, this expectation of "should" seems to be one of Satan's favorite traps. He is always there, whispering in our ears about the ways that we don't measure up and how we "should" be doing better. And it is impossible to feel joy and contentment in our lives when we are buying into the "should". 

I want to challenge you to think about your "should". What expectations do you have for yourself that are unrealistic and are stealing your joy? Are they about yourself as a woman? Your work? Your home? Marriage? Kids? Even your faith? What things have you been telling yourself that you need to give yourself permission to let go of? Prayerfully consider these things and daily surrender them to God and ask Him to fill you with the peace and joy that only He can give. And walk forward in the life that He has given you. The one that only YOU get to live.