When Things Get Stripped Away

I have, at various times in my life, felt like God was stripping away from me the very things I had been holding close. A desire for something that I thought would make me happy. A relationship with a friend that fulfilled me deeply. Unity and closeness with my husband that lulled me into a sleepy complacency. God has allowed the things that I held close to be stripped away, because I was holding them too closely. My fingers were wrapped around them in a vice grip. And when He strips them free from my hands, it always leaves me with deep gashes in my hands and in my heart.

I once again allowed my focus to be lured away from Him, wooed by other things that promised to fill me up to overflowing, but always fall short. And when they have left me in wanting, when my heart is parched and bleeding because the thing that promised to fill me didn't and now on top of that has been pulled away from me, my eyes finally turn back to the One who was the only One who could ever fill me in the way I was designed to be filled. He doesn't do this because He is being unkind. He does this because He is good. He does this because He knows that He is the only One who can fill me, and I won't ever give up the other thing on my own. I don't believe that God is against allowing us the things that bring us pleasure. I do think He is against us wanting those things more than we want Him. The darkness and loneliness that I feel in these times cause me to finally, finally put my focus back where it's supposed to be. On Him.

I'm a difficult student. If only I would always remember that He is the only source of my filling, then I wouldn't have to find myself in these dark places. If only I were better at keeping my desires and focus in check, keeping God in the forefront and everything else neatly in line behind Him. If only I wouldn't put too much pressure on some other thing to fill the deep longings in my heart.

Then.... well, then I wouldn't get to be reminded, over and over and over again, that God is good and is all I need. Then, well I suppose then I wouldn't have the experience of falling on my knees at the foot of His cross, over and over, as His tender hands cup my face and He says, "daughter, I've been here all along, waiting for your eyes to once again find Me". And then I might lose sight of just how much I need Him and His grace and mercy, and how empty I feel without them. Moses had to go into the darkness of a cloud to find God (Exodus 20:21). And I am finding that the things I learn about God when I find Him in the darkness are the things that leave the sweetest marks on my heart.

At Square One

I sat on my front porch and listened to the birds singing their sunrise songs, my hands wrapped around my hot cup of coffee. My mind swirled as I thought about the past 5 months. I had a surgery that was desperately needed, but one that I had a difficult recovery from. In the weeks that followed, as my body healed, I began to feel as though my spirit were still asleep. I have heard that it is common for people to feel depressed after they have a surgery, and I suppose this was the case. I went through the motions of my life, tending to daily tasks, trying to love my husband and mother my children, keep my home running. But all the while, my spirit slumbered and I grew increasingly isolated. This was new for me. I have always been an emotional person, a feeler rather than a thinker, but I have never struggled in the way that I was struggling, and for so long. I felt like my prayers were whispers, too quiet and shaky for God to hear. And though I struggled to hear His answers, all I heard was silence. 

My thoughts were interrupted by the sweet, short chirps of a cardinal. My eyes scanned the trees and power lines as I searched for it. The beautiful red cardinal, my favorite bird, has been for decades to me a sign that God is near. In high school, I would see cardinals fly by and think of them as little gifts from God to tell me that He loves me. I heard another chirp and saw the streak of red as he landed on the power line on the other side of our tree. My heart ached. Instead of the usual "Thanks, God!" or "Hello to you as well!" that I have said countless times in my life, my heart cried, "Do you even still see me, God? Do you still hear me and know me and see what I am going through? Do you still have purpose for me, or are my days of being used by you over?" 

The beautiful red bird flew from the line into my tree and slowly made his way over to my side. In my head I thought, "If there were TWO cardinals, then I'd know for sure that this is from God." I smiled, embarrassed at my thought, as though I were no better than Gideon, with his "dry fleece laying in the dew" and "wet fleece laying on dry ground" (Judges 6:36-40). As I watched him, marveling again at his beauty, my heart skipped a beat as I heard a second cardinal. His mate came flying in, chirping her song to him, and speaking straight into my heart. Two cardinals were in my tree. 

Finally, after so many months of feeling alone and unseen and unusable, I heard His voice. He whispered to me, "It's ok, daughter. I see your heart. And you can trust me with it." And He continues to speak to me, revealing His plans and using my struggles to help me and other people.  

No matter how long you have been walking with God, no matter how many trials He has walked you through, you may find yourself back at square 1 in your faith. And if you do, take heart! Even if you can't see Him, He does see you, and you can trust Him with your heart and your purpose. Continue seeking after Him, daily reading His Word. He is there. And look for YOUR cardinals.