At Square One

I sat on my front porch and listened to the birds singing their sunrise songs, my hands wrapped around my hot cup of coffee. My mind swirled as I thought about the past 5 months. I had a surgery that was desperately needed, but one that I had a difficult recovery from. In the weeks that followed, as my body healed, I began to feel as though my spirit were still asleep. I have heard that it is common for people to feel depressed after they have a surgery, and I suppose this was the case. I went through the motions of my life, tending to daily tasks, trying to love my husband and mother my children, keep my home running. But all the while, my spirit slumbered and I grew increasingly isolated. This was new for me. I have always been an emotional person, a feeler rather than a thinker, but I have never struggled in the way that I was struggling, and for so long. I felt like my prayers were whispers, too quiet and shaky for God to hear. And though I struggled to hear His answers, all I heard was silence. 

My thoughts were interrupted by the sweet, short chirps of a cardinal. My eyes scanned the trees and power lines as I searched for it. The beautiful red cardinal, my favorite bird, has been for decades to me a sign that God is near. In high school, I would see cardinals fly by and think of them as little gifts from God to tell me that He loves me. I heard another chirp and saw the streak of red as he landed on the power line on the other side of our tree. My heart ached. Instead of the usual "Thanks, God!" or "Hello to you as well!" that I have said countless times in my life, my heart cried, "Do you even still see me, God? Do you still hear me and know me and see what I am going through? Do you still have purpose for me, or are my days of being used by you over?" 

The beautiful red bird flew from the line into my tree and slowly made his way over to my side. In my head I thought, "If there were TWO cardinals, then I'd know for sure that this is from God." I smiled, embarrassed at my thought, as though I were no better than Gideon, with his "dry fleece laying in the dew" and "wet fleece laying on dry ground" (Judges 6:36-40). As I watched him, marveling again at his beauty, my heart skipped a beat as I heard a second cardinal. His mate came flying in, chirping her song to him, and speaking straight into my heart. Two cardinals were in my tree. 

Finally, after so many months of feeling alone and unseen and unusable, I heard His voice. He whispered to me, "It's ok, daughter. I see your heart. And you can trust me with it." And He continues to speak to me, revealing His plans and using my struggles to help me and other people.  

No matter how long you have been walking with God, no matter how many trials He has walked you through, you may find yourself back at square 1 in your faith. And if you do, take heart! Even if you can't see Him, He does see you, and you can trust Him with your heart and your purpose. Continue seeking after Him, daily reading His Word. He is there. And look for YOUR cardinals.