Hard Doesn't Always Mean Harmful

We were all relaxing together, watching different comedy clips and movie trailers, passing the final minutes between the ending of a movie and bedtime. After a Dumbo trailer ended, a few commented that they'd like to watch the movie. Our sensitive, deep feeling youngest said that she did not. "It's too sad," she said. I drew close to her, snuggled right up so that my words might go through her ears and into her heart, that she might always remember. I said, "Sometimes the most beautiful stories have some sad in them."

It's true, though. As humans, we tend to shy away from the hard, the sad. In our relationships with others, we skirt along the comfortable path, not wanting to create or add conflict by addressing issues or approaching hard topics. In our marriages and friendships we settle into a steady rhythm of day in and day out, sweeping the difficult and sad under the carpet and going along our day because there are too many other things to worry about. The hurtful comment gets pushed aside. The hard conversations about tight finances or the rebelling child or the family member or the other person's behavior get put on the back burner to make room for discussions about dinner or the weekend plans or the funny thing that happened that day. The hard stuff gets avoided, but it doesn't go away.

There are several reasons why we do this. It tends to be in most people's nature to avoid things that feel uncomfortable. We like comfort. Also, though, most people avoid difficult conversations because they just don't know how to have them. Often these conversations end up with one or both people angry and yelling or just walking away and avoiding. Generally one or both will get defensive and spend the whole conversation defending their own actions rather than hearing what the other person is trying to say. Friendships get severed. Relationships become strained.

The thing is, though, that when you know or learn how to have these conversations the right way, you have the potential to have a story that gets more beautiful through the hard and the sad. Husbands and wives can work through the conflict in a way that makes them feel closer and more in love than they felt beforehand, when the conflict was there simmering under the surface. Friendships can deepen and become more meaningful and longer lasting when friends understand that relationship is work that is worth it. If you can grow through the hard and sad you will have a friendship that will weather any storm and last a lifetime. 

In our interactions with others there will eventually be hard situations and sadness. But if we can tackle the sad and hard together we can grow through them, and we can be a part of a story that is breathtakingly beautiful.

Do you avoid talking about conflict in your relationships? Do you want to learn the best way to have the hard conversations?

Happy to link up with A Fireman's Wife, DIY Daddy, Traffic Jam Weekend, Blogger's Pit Stop, and Oh My Heartsie Girl.
 

In the Fire, How God Moved in Big Ways to Redeem My Failing Marriage

After Scott moved out, I had some choices to make. I had to face the fact that he was gone and was planning on not coming back. I realized that I could react in one of two ways. I could let myself go off the deep end and become filled with anger and resentment and agree to go forward with the divorce. Or I could choose to focus on forgiving him and trying to reconcile our marriage. For me it was no question. From the very beginning I was determined to pray fervently that God would reconcile our marriage. Yes, he had hurt me in a way that I wasn't certain I would ever be able to heal from. But because of my experience growing up in a divorced family, I was determined that I did not want that for our children. I also realized that because we had children together, he was going to continue to be a part of my life regardless of what happened with him and me. I knew I would have to forgive him eventually anyway because I didn't want to live the rest of my life with the noose of unforgiveness around my neck. And in the end, I would rather still have him as my husband. So, I began praying constantly that God would change his heart and heal our marriage. I knew that God was bigger than the situation, bigger than my hurt, and that God was the only one who could save my marriage. 

Another thing that I realized early on was that I could not change the situation and I could not change Scott's heart, but I could take responsibility for my own actions and change myself. I knew that I should not take responsibility for Scott's decisions, but I had to own the fact that I had not been a great wife to him over the previous few years. Yes, he hadn't been the best husband either, but that was not for me to focus on. My prayers were that God would heal our marriage, and I was determined to be the best wife I could be from that point on. I read everything I could find on what it looks like to be a godly wife and how to have a godly marriage. In the meantime, I stopped trying to convince Scott to come back home and decided to let go of control and leave it up to God. Instead, I just started treating Scott with respect. In Ephesians 5:33 it says, "Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It's a command for spouses to treat each other with love and respect without the caveat of whether or not they deserve it. That verse told me to treat my husband in the way God created a godly marriage to function, regardless of his worthiness. This discipline would continue to be valuable for years afterwards.  

We went on to be separated for a total of 2 months. Scott continued his relationship with the other woman and insisted that he wanted a divorce, but he did not take any steps to get a lawyer and file papers. I continued to pray that God would fix us, even though I didn't see how it could happen. I realized I had put many priorities out of order, had put my husband on a pedestal that he wasn't created to be on, and was looking to other things to fill a void in me that only God could fill. So I allowed God to change in me the things that needed changing. Many people stepped in to help me with my babies, and I was in a constant state of prayer and learning. Finally, I began to see some changes in him. I could see that he was conflicted, and then finally the day came when he began to change his mind. He finally allowed his heart to be opened to hear God's voice. And God told him it was time to come back home.

The work that lay ahead for us in the days and weeks and years after he returned home was perhaps harder than finding out about the affair and dealing with being separated. The overwhelming work that had to be done could only be tackled a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, otherwise it would seem too difficult a thing. Only by the grace and strength of God were we able to walk through to the other side.

It is doable to weather a storm in your marriage, even the fierce storm of infidelity. If you are in a similar situation or are in another kind of storm, I promise you that though it is hard to stick it out and grow through the process into a better wife or husband or human, it is so worth it once you get to the other side.     

Marriage CAN Survive the Storm. I Know Because Mine Almost Didn't

In February of 2010, my life looked very different than it does now. My husband and I had been married 5 years, we had a 3 and 2 year old, and I was very pregnant with our third child. Our marriage was in a very rocky spot, and we had been in marriage counseling for a few weeks. Other than finally going to counseling, we felt like we were essentially alone in our struggles. We felt like we had no one in our lives to turn to who would understand. Like some of you may have been at some time or even are now, we were in a marriage crisis, and we didn’t have the resources to fix it. Over the course of a few weeks, our third sweet baby was born and the stress level increased. Three weeks after the birth, the walls finally crumbled down around us. Scott told me that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he was not in love with me anymore and that he was in love with another woman. He had been in a emotional affair with her for several months already, and he was ready to end our marriage and be with her. A few days later, he moved out of our home and got an apartment. He would ultimately be gone for 2 months. Thankfully, that is not where our story ends. In fact, it really was the place where the potential for so much good began. But it would take a while.

Our marriage and the life that we had built together came to a crossroads on that evening when I found out about the other woman. We had the choice of staying together and working through the storm, or ending it all and going our separate ways. Because of the hurt and resentment that had built up over the years, Scott thought it would be better to end our troubled marriage. I have to stop here, though, and point out that our marriage did not get to that place overnight, and no one else’s does either. It truly is a slow fade. Unless there has been some time of significant stress and unresolved conflict, no one wakes up one morning and says, “You know what? I think I want a divorce.” We had made several critical mistakes throughout our marriage that had gotten us to that crisis point. 

Firstly, though both of us were Christians, neither of us were seeking God daily in rich and growing relationship with him. We were not connected to the true Vine, and both of us had a struggling faith because of it. Because of this, we weren't hearing direction and truth from God, and Scott was able to be convinced that he was making the right choice. Secondly, we just weren’t doing marriage right. We were in the exhausting throes of new babyhood and job difficulties for Scott, and were focusing all of our energy on surviving through that phase of our lives. Though neither of us were doing it on purpose, I was treating him disrespectfully and he was treating me unlovingly. We had been in a cycle of hurt and avoidance that continued to build over several years. Though we loved each other, we were not treating each other well. Thirdly, we were not putting any effort into growing and tending to our relationship with each other. Marriage enrichment was not something we even thought about. Once babies started coming, we stopped investing much in each other without even realizing it. And lastly, when the first cracks started to form (well before the actual leaving), when things first started going down the path of getting to their worst, we continued to avoid the issue rather than seek out help. By the time we had started counseling that January, it was too little too late. We were past the point of no return.


*In the next post, I will share what happened after Scott moved out and what steps we took to recover what was lost.*

The Growing Place

Hebrews 13:21 "... may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him." 

I was struggling, the fear and the lies and the temptation to forget it all creeping around my neck like a noose. I was in the growing place, the place I needed to be in in order to get from who I was to who I wanted to be. A place I'm all too familiar with. I tell myself that perhaps I spend more time in the growing place than others, but I'm going to go out on a limb and decide that that's not true. I do have very deep scars of hurt and insecurity and fear that are taking years to fully work through, but I'm willing to bet that I'm not alone. I'm willing to bet that there are others out there who find themselves in the growing place, and are probably telling themselves the same things I've told myself.

The growing place is uncomfortable. Maybe you find yourself there now. Maybe you are trying to be a more loving wife or a more patient mother. Perhaps you are trying to fight lies and fears that you've held onto but now are ready for God to replace with truth. Maybe you are in ministry and feel burned out and are ready to quit. Possibly, like me, you feel that God is calling you to cast off old chains and walk into the promises that he gave you long ago but you've been afraid to walk towards. Maybe you feel inspired to grow beyond your comfort zone. But you feel the fear and insecurity and temptation to pull away from the growth.

The good news is that you are not alone, and that God can use the growing place to bless you more than you could ever imagine. The promise is that growth is not dependent on you alone. God is the one who enables and equips us for the growth. He is the one who will "do something new" (Isaiah 43:19) in you, and in me. There is an enemy to your growth, though, and he will do whatever he can to keep you from growing. The bible calls him a liar and the Father of Lies. When you are in the growing place, the enemy will be the one whispering lies into your ear, telling you that you can't do it, aren't good enough to consider it, will never be strong enough to accomplish it. He never has anything good to say. And he is unfortunately a very convincing liar. But, the score card has already been written and the victory dance is ours because God is and always will be victorious over the enemy every. single. time.

So when you find yourself in the growing place, the keys to getting through it are to keep your eyes focused on God and his promises, reach out to friends who will remind you of the truth and pray for you, and to prayerfully ask and allow God to grow and stretch you. That means continuing on when you feel like quitting. It means choosing to believe that you can do what God is calling you to do, because God is the one who does it through you. It means reminding yourself that you can do hard things. And it means doing them. 


Romans 8:37 "Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loves us."