Marriage CAN Survive the Storm. I Know Because Mine Almost Didn't

In February of 2010, my life looked very different than it does now. My husband and I had been married 5 years, we had a 3 and 2 year old, and I was very pregnant with our third child. Our marriage was in a very rocky spot, and we had been in marriage counseling for a few weeks. Other than finally going to counseling, we felt like we were essentially alone in our struggles. We felt like we had no one in our lives to turn to who would understand. Like some of you may have been at some time or even are now, we were in a marriage crisis, and we didn’t have the resources to fix it. Over the course of a few weeks, our third sweet baby was born and the stress level increased. Three weeks after the birth, the walls finally crumbled down around us. Scott told me that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he was not in love with me anymore and that he was in love with another woman. He had been in a emotional affair with her for several months already, and he was ready to end our marriage and be with her. A few days later, he moved out of our home and got an apartment. He would ultimately be gone for 2 months. Thankfully, that is not where our story ends. In fact, it really was the place where the potential for so much good began. But it would take a while.

Our marriage and the life that we had built together came to a crossroads on that evening when I found out about the other woman. We had the choice of staying together and working through the storm, or ending it all and going our separate ways. Because of the hurt and resentment that had built up over the years, Scott thought it would be better to end our troubled marriage. I have to stop here, though, and point out that our marriage did not get to that place overnight, and no one else’s does either. It truly is a slow fade. Unless there has been some time of significant stress and unresolved conflict, no one wakes up one morning and says, “You know what? I think I want a divorce.” We had made several critical mistakes throughout our marriage that had gotten us to that crisis point. 

Firstly, though both of us were Christians, neither of us were seeking God daily in rich and growing relationship with him. We were not connected to the true Vine, and both of us had a struggling faith because of it. Because of this, we weren't hearing direction and truth from God, and Scott was able to be convinced that he was making the right choice. Secondly, we just weren’t doing marriage right. We were in the exhausting throes of new babyhood and job difficulties for Scott, and were focusing all of our energy on surviving through that phase of our lives. Though neither of us were doing it on purpose, I was treating him disrespectfully and he was treating me unlovingly. We had been in a cycle of hurt and avoidance that continued to build over several years. Though we loved each other, we were not treating each other well. Thirdly, we were not putting any effort into growing and tending to our relationship with each other. Marriage enrichment was not something we even thought about. Once babies started coming, we stopped investing much in each other without even realizing it. And lastly, when the first cracks started to form (well before the actual leaving), when things first started going down the path of getting to their worst, we continued to avoid the issue rather than seek out help. By the time we had started counseling that January, it was too little too late. We were past the point of no return.


*In the next post, I will share what happened after Scott moved out and what steps we took to recover what was lost.*