In the Fire, How God Moved in Big Ways to Redeem My Failing Marriage

After Scott moved out, I had some choices to make. I had to face the fact that he was gone and was planning on not coming back. I realized that I could react in one of two ways. I could let myself go off the deep end and become filled with anger and resentment and agree to go forward with the divorce. Or I could choose to focus on forgiving him and trying to reconcile our marriage. For me it was no question. From the very beginning I was determined to pray fervently that God would reconcile our marriage. Yes, he had hurt me in a way that I wasn't certain I would ever be able to heal from. But because of my experience growing up in a divorced family, I was determined that I did not want that for our children. I also realized that because we had children together, he was going to continue to be a part of my life regardless of what happened with him and me. I knew I would have to forgive him eventually anyway because I didn't want to live the rest of my life with the noose of unforgiveness around my neck. And in the end, I would rather still have him as my husband. So, I began praying constantly that God would change his heart and heal our marriage. I knew that God was bigger than the situation, bigger than my hurt, and that God was the only one who could save my marriage. 

Another thing that I realized early on was that I could not change the situation and I could not change Scott's heart, but I could take responsibility for my own actions and change myself. I knew that I should not take responsibility for Scott's decisions, but I had to own the fact that I had not been a great wife to him over the previous few years. Yes, he hadn't been the best husband either, but that was not for me to focus on. My prayers were that God would heal our marriage, and I was determined to be the best wife I could be from that point on. I read everything I could find on what it looks like to be a godly wife and how to have a godly marriage. In the meantime, I stopped trying to convince Scott to come back home and decided to let go of control and leave it up to God. Instead, I just started treating Scott with respect. In Ephesians 5:33 it says, "Each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." It's a command for spouses to treat each other with love and respect without the caveat of whether or not they deserve it. That verse told me to treat my husband in the way God created a godly marriage to function, regardless of his worthiness. This discipline would continue to be valuable for years afterwards.  

We went on to be separated for a total of 2 months. Scott continued his relationship with the other woman and insisted that he wanted a divorce, but he did not take any steps to get a lawyer and file papers. I continued to pray that God would fix us, even though I didn't see how it could happen. I realized I had put many priorities out of order, had put my husband on a pedestal that he wasn't created to be on, and was looking to other things to fill a void in me that only God could fill. So I allowed God to change in me the things that needed changing. Many people stepped in to help me with my babies, and I was in a constant state of prayer and learning. Finally, I began to see some changes in him. I could see that he was conflicted, and then finally the day came when he began to change his mind. He finally allowed his heart to be opened to hear God's voice. And God told him it was time to come back home.

The work that lay ahead for us in the days and weeks and years after he returned home was perhaps harder than finding out about the affair and dealing with being separated. The overwhelming work that had to be done could only be tackled a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time, otherwise it would seem too difficult a thing. Only by the grace and strength of God were we able to walk through to the other side.

It is doable to weather a storm in your marriage, even the fierce storm of infidelity. If you are in a similar situation or are in another kind of storm, I promise you that though it is hard to stick it out and grow through the process into a better wife or husband or human, it is so worth it once you get to the other side.