Marriage CAN Survive the Storm. I Know Because Mine Almost Didn't

In February of 2010, my life looked very different than it does now. My husband and I had been married 5 years, we had a 3 and 2 year old, and I was very pregnant with our third child. Our marriage was in a very rocky spot, and we had been in marriage counseling for a few weeks. Other than finally going to counseling, we felt like we were essentially alone in our struggles. We felt like we had no one in our lives to turn to who would understand. Like some of you may have been at some time or even are now, we were in a marriage crisis, and we didn’t have the resources to fix it. Over the course of a few weeks, our third sweet baby was born and the stress level increased. Three weeks after the birth, the walls finally crumbled down around us. Scott told me that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he was not in love with me anymore and that he was in love with another woman. He had been in a emotional affair with her for several months already, and he was ready to end our marriage and be with her. A few days later, he moved out of our home and got an apartment. He would ultimately be gone for 2 months. Thankfully, that is not where our story ends. In fact, it really was the place where the potential for so much good began. But it would take a while.

Our marriage and the life that we had built together came to a crossroads on that evening when I found out about the other woman. We had the choice of staying together and working through the storm, or ending it all and going our separate ways. Because of the hurt and resentment that had built up over the years, Scott thought it would be better to end our troubled marriage. I have to stop here, though, and point out that our marriage did not get to that place overnight, and no one else’s does either. It truly is a slow fade. Unless there has been some time of significant stress and unresolved conflict, no one wakes up one morning and says, “You know what? I think I want a divorce.” We had made several critical mistakes throughout our marriage that had gotten us to that crisis point. 

Firstly, though both of us were Christians, neither of us were seeking God daily in rich and growing relationship with him. We were not connected to the true Vine, and both of us had a struggling faith because of it. Because of this, we weren't hearing direction and truth from God, and Scott was able to be convinced that he was making the right choice. Secondly, we just weren’t doing marriage right. We were in the exhausting throes of new babyhood and job difficulties for Scott, and were focusing all of our energy on surviving through that phase of our lives. Though neither of us were doing it on purpose, I was treating him disrespectfully and he was treating me unlovingly. We had been in a cycle of hurt and avoidance that continued to build over several years. Though we loved each other, we were not treating each other well. Thirdly, we were not putting any effort into growing and tending to our relationship with each other. Marriage enrichment was not something we even thought about. Once babies started coming, we stopped investing much in each other without even realizing it. And lastly, when the first cracks started to form (well before the actual leaving), when things first started going down the path of getting to their worst, we continued to avoid the issue rather than seek out help. By the time we had started counseling that January, it was too little too late. We were past the point of no return.


*In the next post, I will share what happened after Scott moved out and what steps we took to recover what was lost.*

The Growing Place

Hebrews 13:21 "... may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him." 

I was struggling, the fear and the lies and the temptation to forget it all creeping around my neck like a noose. I was in the growing place, the place I needed to be in in order to get from who I was to who I wanted to be. A place I'm all too familiar with. I tell myself that perhaps I spend more time in the growing place than others, but I'm going to go out on a limb and decide that that's not true. I do have very deep scars of hurt and insecurity and fear that are taking years to fully work through, but I'm willing to bet that I'm not alone. I'm willing to bet that there are others out there who find themselves in the growing place, and are probably telling themselves the same things I've told myself.

The growing place is uncomfortable. Maybe you find yourself there now. Maybe you are trying to be a more loving wife or a more patient mother. Perhaps you are trying to fight lies and fears that you've held onto but now are ready for God to replace with truth. Maybe you are in ministry and feel burned out and are ready to quit. Possibly, like me, you feel that God is calling you to cast off old chains and walk into the promises that he gave you long ago but you've been afraid to walk towards. Maybe you feel inspired to grow beyond your comfort zone. But you feel the fear and insecurity and temptation to pull away from the growth.

The good news is that you are not alone, and that God can use the growing place to bless you more than you could ever imagine. The promise is that growth is not dependent on you alone. God is the one who enables and equips us for the growth. He is the one who will "do something new" (Isaiah 43:19) in you, and in me. There is an enemy to your growth, though, and he will do whatever he can to keep you from growing. The bible calls him a liar and the Father of Lies. When you are in the growing place, the enemy will be the one whispering lies into your ear, telling you that you can't do it, aren't good enough to consider it, will never be strong enough to accomplish it. He never has anything good to say. And he is unfortunately a very convincing liar. But, the score card has already been written and the victory dance is ours because God is and always will be victorious over the enemy every. single. time.

So when you find yourself in the growing place, the keys to getting through it are to keep your eyes focused on God and his promises, reach out to friends who will remind you of the truth and pray for you, and to prayerfully ask and allow God to grow and stretch you. That means continuing on when you feel like quitting. It means choosing to believe that you can do what God is calling you to do, because God is the one who does it through you. It means reminding yourself that you can do hard things. And it means doing them. 


Romans 8:37 "Despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loves us."

God Is Your Spouse's Father, Too

I do not question the intimacy and relationship with God as my Father. I know some struggle with this aspect of God, especially if their earthly father provided a poor example of what a loving father looks like. But I understand and depend on it, even more since becoming a parent myself. My doubts and questions sink in when it comes to the question of my worthiness to receive the blessings and gifts the Father has to offer, but that's a different topic for different posts (some of which have already been written). I even look to God as Father to my children, trusting that He loves them more than I can comprehend and has plans for them that I can put my trust in. No problem.

I was surprised, then, to realize that I had not, at any point in my marriage, been thinking of God as Father to Scott, my husband. I was reading a bible study called A Lifelong Love, by Gary Thomas. I opened my bible to read 1 John 3:1, not realizing yet that the verse and the study together were about to reveal truths and change my thinking and prayers for Scott forever.

"See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

Automatically I applied this to myself. But then I looked at the study, where the author wrote about the time when he sensed God telling him that his wife wasn't just his wife, but she was also God's daughter, and that he needed to treat her as such. I thought about my husband and asked myself whether I thought of, and prayed for, him as God's son. I realized with sadness that the prayers I had been praying for him, though not wrong in and of themselves, were not the messages that he needed to hear from God as his Father. And actually, the prayers I had been praying for him went right along with his weaknesses, insecurities, and battles that he already fights.

The fact is, most men journey through their life battling the fear that they don't quite have what it takes. This manifests differently depending on the personality of the man, but in general men spend their lives fighting this battle and proving to themselves and the people they love that they do have what it takes. Or they live defeated, believing the lie that they don't. My husband is no different. So when I thought about the things I have been praying over him, my heart broke. He doesn't need me to pray that God would change him or grow him or stretch him past his comfort place. Again, those things aren't wrong, and actually are what we as Christians should be striving for. But my man? He needs to hear that he is loved by God, his Father, more than he can imagine, and nothing could ever make him love him more or less. He needs to hear that he is absolutely cherished as a son, even more than he cherishes our son. He needs God to tell him that he was wonderfully made and equipped to accomplish every task that God has for him. He needs to hear that he may not always have what it takes, but he has a God that will more than fill in the gaps. And when he feels and truly knows that, the things that God can go on to accomplish through him are limitless. These are the things that will fill up my prayers for my husband from now on. I want him to walk in the freedom of knowing that God is his Father, and with a Daddy like that you can do anything. 

Again

Is there ever a situation where it's too late to start again?

Ever a period where you've cried too many tears to be heard?

Ever a time where God is unable to redeem?

Is it true that because I've been quiet on here, there's no use trying again?

That's what the enemy tells me. As I've contemplated the gentle nudges from the Father to write, the enemy of my heart hisses in my ear, "Are you even kidding? Just look at what you looked like this year! Afraid. Defeated. Silenced. Weak. Who do you think you are to even imagine that you could be used for anything good?"

He's right, of course. At least partly. God has brought me through some really hard things recently. Some I had gone through prior to beginning this blog. Some I experienced after. But does experiencing the pain, and suffering because of it, invalidate the voice that God has given me? Does that fact that I am so easily shaken, so easily silenced (there, I said it!) mean that in my weakness I can't be used for good?

No matter where this goes, no matter if anyone sees it or no one does, even if it is simply a space for me to lay milestones to show what God has brought me through, it will be worth it. Because I am walking in obedience. Who do I think I am? I am a messenger with an important message. I am humble and even more humbled, but I am not unwilling. I am a child of God. And nothing can undo that.


   

In The In Between

My husband and I talk in conversations that go round and round, part dreaming and part questioning and part scared out of our minds at what the next steps may be. In three separate areas of our lives, we are staring into a great unknown. Question marks loom huge on our horizon, glaring brightly and taunting us toward action, even though we don't know what the action should be.

We echo the cry from 2 Chronicles 20:12, "We do not know what to do, but we are looking to You for help." In a society where "YOLO" reigns and people are most apt to act now and think later, we stand apart, poised for action but unmoving. The waiting time is hard. We are no longer where we were, but neither are we sure of where we are going. 

Our instinct is to fight against the pressure of the in between, to push back against the growing and stretching of our spirits that happens here. Our instinct is to hop back and forth from on foot to another, like a sprinter waiting to get set for the race. Our flesh tells us to just go ahead and pick something and move forward, because surely doing SOMETHING would feel better than waiting patiently. But God has a different plan for the waiting. 

Because right here, in the in between, is where the growing happens. The uncertainty of the in between causes us to draw even closer to God, seeking the quiet of His still waters in the midst of the questioning of our hearts. This is where God does the molding and shaping of our hearts and spirits that will need to happen before we move forward. Here is where our faith learns the disciplines of trust and perseverance and steadfastness that will be necessary if we are ever to walk into the plans He has for our future. So we wait, with heads bowed in prayer and eyes pouring over scripture.

Because just as He promised, at just the right time, He will respond to us (Isaiah 49:8). He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Mal.3:3). And as L.B. Cowman so perfectly put it, "Like a true goldsmith, God stops the fire the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal... Don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Then you will know you could never have served in your place of higher service without having been taught the very things you learned during your ordeal. God is in the process of educating you for future service and greater blessings." (Streams in the Desert)

We will wait, and seek, and study, and pray. And we will watch for Him to shine His light just enough for us to see the next step.

When Your Spouse's Words Deflate You

It came out of no where.

We were sitting down with the kids having lunch and a nice conversation. I said something, and he responded in a way that I perceived as very critical and unkind. And I was deflated. Immediately.

The conversation ended there, and he could tell what had happened without me even having to say anything. We have talked about this before. He knows how important words are to me. He knows they have the power to build me up or destroy me. And he knew what he had just done. He apologized, and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.  I believed he was sorry, but that didn't change the way I felt.

As lunch ended and I cleaned the kitchen up (I declined his offer to help), my mind kept going back to what he said. I stewed on it. Angry thoughts came to my head. "Well, now I know what he REALLY thinks." "I'm sure not going to bring that up anymore!" A song came on the radio reminding me to forgive. I sang the song, but still the battle raged in my mind and heart. I recognized my tendency to hold on to hurt, and I really wanted to change that about myself. Yet I lacked the strength to change my own heart. Finally, I went to change the laundry. In my mind flashed an image of Scott and me laughing together, enjoying each other, loving each other. Quietly the Lord spoke to my heart, "Doesn't that feel so much better than this?" I agreed that, yes, feeling free to love and laugh with my husband feels much better than being held captive to anger and hurt feelings. He reminded me that in order to take hold of the one I had to let go of the other. That finally gave me what I needed to fully let go.

We can't control what the people around us do or say. We can't control how their actions or words make us feel, but we can control how we will respond to it. I must admit that the old me would have definitely held on to that hurt and let it affect the way I treated Scott for the rest of the day, at least. But this me, the one who is daily seeking to be refined and sanctified by Christ, allowed Him to break through my thoughts. And this me decided to act on what I know, rather than what I feel. He had apologized, after all, and he was authentic in his remorse. The burden of responsibility lay with me.

After the kids were in bed, we sat in the living room folding laundry. We were casually talking and enjoying each others' company. Gently I said, "You know you really hurt my feeling earlier, right?" He said, "I know, and I am so sorry." I told him I knew he was sorry, I could tell when he had said it. I had seen the pain in his eyes when he realized he had hurt me. I told him about my struggle to let it go, but that I realized that if I wanted God to change me I had to actually allow him to. He looked me in the eyes and thanked me for being the woman that I am.

I believe that this is one of God's purposes for marriage. He created us to sharpen each other, to make each other better. And that means there will be conflict. I pray that God would always cultivate in me a spirit that is willing to grow.

We see it as pain and hurt and struggle in our marriage. He sees it as a way to make us more like Himself. 

How "Should" Is The Destroyer Of Joy

Should. This word slips unnoticed into our vocabulary all of the time. "We should try that new restaurant down the street." "You should be considered for that promotion because you are such a great worker." "I really should go to the grocery store before we completely run out of food." That last one finds its way out of my mouth more frequently than I'd like to admit. 

"Should" worms its way into our vocabulary without us even giving it a second thought. But soon, if we aren't careful, it starts to show its ugly side. Before we are even aware of it, "should" starts telling us about the ways that we don't measure up. "I should exercise more if I ever want to look as good as she does." "I should be able to have my act together and keep my house clean." "My husband and I should be able to get along as well as that other couple does." And when our realities don't measure up to all of the "should" statements, our joy turns to disappointment.  

Seven years ago I was sitting beside my husband on an overly stuffed brown chair in our therapist's office. We were meeting with him for help in putting our shattered marriage back together. I started telling our therapist about the stress and disappointment I was feeling because of all the things I wasn't able to accomplish that I should. I wasn't able to keep up with the laundry.  I wasn't able to keep the house clean. I wasn't able to reliably have dinner on the table. I was losing my mind trying to care for our 3 very young children, not to mention look put together all the time. Plus there was the whole "my husband was gone for 2 months with another woman and was back home and we were trying to figure out how in the world to move past the hurt and build a marriage that had any hope of surviving" part. And I was talking about how I "should" be able to deal and keep every other aspect in my life as perfect as everyone else was portraying in their pictures. When I finally stopped talking long enough to take a breath, our therapist asked me one simple question. "Megan, WHO is telling you that you 'should' be able to do all of this?" He already knew the answer, but he knew I needed to voice it. I had nothing. I had no one else that I could put the blame on for all of these "should" expectations but myself. And in voicing this, I realized that if I was the one putting these expectations on myself, I was the one who could give myself a break. I didn't have to "should" anymore. I needed to take a step back and analyze where I was at that point in my life and figure out what was realistic for me then and what was not. And that was so freeing. 

This is still a battle that I fight every day. It's not a one-and-done kind of thing. With all of the perfection that everyone portrays on social media, it is so easy to fall into a "should" mentality when looking at our lives compared to what we see in others' lives. Even in the absence of social media, this expectation of "should" seems to be one of Satan's favorite traps. He is always there, whispering in our ears about the ways that we don't measure up and how we "should" be doing better. And it is impossible to feel joy and contentment in our lives when we are buying into the "should". 

I want to challenge you to think about your "should". What expectations do you have for yourself that are unrealistic and are stealing your joy? Are they about yourself as a woman? Your work? Your home? Marriage? Kids? Even your faith? What things have you been telling yourself that you need to give yourself permission to let go of? Prayerfully consider these things and daily surrender them to God and ask Him to fill you with the peace and joy that only He can give. And walk forward in the life that He has given you. The one that only YOU get to live.