God Is Your Spouse's Father, Too

I do not question the intimacy and relationship with God as my Father. I know some struggle with this aspect of God, especially if their earthly father provided a poor example of what a loving father looks like. But I understand and depend on it, even more since becoming a parent myself. My doubts and questions sink in when it comes to the question of my worthiness to receive the blessings and gifts the Father has to offer, but that's a different topic for different posts (some of which have already been written). I even look to God as Father to my children, trusting that He loves them more than I can comprehend and has plans for them that I can put my trust in. No problem.

I was surprised, then, to realize that I had not, at any point in my marriage, been thinking of God as Father to Scott, my husband. I was reading a bible study called A Lifelong Love, by Gary Thomas. I opened my bible to read 1 John 3:1, not realizing yet that the verse and the study together were about to reveal truths and change my thinking and prayers for Scott forever.

"See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

Automatically I applied this to myself. But then I looked at the study, where the author wrote about the time when he sensed God telling him that his wife wasn't just his wife, but she was also God's daughter, and that he needed to treat her as such. I thought about my husband and asked myself whether I thought of, and prayed for, him as God's son. I realized with sadness that the prayers I had been praying for him, though not wrong in and of themselves, were not the messages that he needed to hear from God as his Father. And actually, the prayers I had been praying for him went right along with his weaknesses, insecurities, and battles that he already fights.

The fact is, most men journey through their life battling the fear that they don't quite have what it takes. This manifests differently depending on the personality of the man, but in general men spend their lives fighting this battle and proving to themselves and the people they love that they do have what it takes. Or they live defeated, believing the lie that they don't. My husband is no different. So when I thought about the things I have been praying over him, my heart broke. He doesn't need me to pray that God would change him or grow him or stretch him past his comfort place. Again, those things aren't wrong, and actually are what we as Christians should be striving for. But my man? He needs to hear that he is loved by God, his Father, more than he can imagine, and nothing could ever make him love him more or less. He needs to hear that he is absolutely cherished as a son, even more than he cherishes our son. He needs God to tell him that he was wonderfully made and equipped to accomplish every task that God has for him. He needs to hear that he may not always have what it takes, but he has a God that will more than fill in the gaps. And when he feels and truly knows that, the things that God can go on to accomplish through him are limitless. These are the things that will fill up my prayers for my husband from now on. I want him to walk in the freedom of knowing that God is his Father, and with a Daddy like that you can do anything. 

Again

Is there ever a situation where it's too late to start again?

Ever a period where you've cried too many tears to be heard?

Ever a time where God is unable to redeem?

Is it true that because I've been quiet on here, there's no use trying again?

That's what the enemy tells me. As I've contemplated the gentle nudges from the Father to write, the enemy of my heart hisses in my ear, "Are you even kidding? Just look at what you looked like this year! Afraid. Defeated. Silenced. Weak. Who do you think you are to even imagine that you could be used for anything good?"

He's right, of course. At least partly. God has brought me through some really hard things recently. Some I had gone through prior to beginning this blog. Some I experienced after. But does experiencing the pain, and suffering because of it, invalidate the voice that God has given me? Does that fact that I am so easily shaken, so easily silenced (there, I said it!) mean that in my weakness I can't be used for good?

No matter where this goes, no matter if anyone sees it or no one does, even if it is simply a space for me to lay milestones to show what God has brought me through, it will be worth it. Because I am walking in obedience. Who do I think I am? I am a messenger with an important message. I am humble and even more humbled, but I am not unwilling. I am a child of God. And nothing can undo that.


   

In The In Between

My husband and I talk in conversations that go round and round, part dreaming and part questioning and part scared out of our minds at what the next steps may be. In three separate areas of our lives, we are staring into a great unknown. Question marks loom huge on our horizon, glaring brightly and taunting us toward action, even though we don't know what the action should be.

We echo the cry from 2 Chronicles 20:12, "We do not know what to do, but we are looking to You for help." In a society where "YOLO" reigns and people are most apt to act now and think later, we stand apart, poised for action but unmoving. The waiting time is hard. We are no longer where we were, but neither are we sure of where we are going. 

Our instinct is to fight against the pressure of the in between, to push back against the growing and stretching of our spirits that happens here. Our instinct is to hop back and forth from on foot to another, like a sprinter waiting to get set for the race. Our flesh tells us to just go ahead and pick something and move forward, because surely doing SOMETHING would feel better than waiting patiently. But God has a different plan for the waiting. 

Because right here, in the in between, is where the growing happens. The uncertainty of the in between causes us to draw even closer to God, seeking the quiet of His still waters in the midst of the questioning of our hearts. This is where God does the molding and shaping of our hearts and spirits that will need to happen before we move forward. Here is where our faith learns the disciplines of trust and perseverance and steadfastness that will be necessary if we are ever to walk into the plans He has for our future. So we wait, with heads bowed in prayer and eyes pouring over scripture.

Because just as He promised, at just the right time, He will respond to us (Isaiah 49:8). He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. (Mal.3:3). And as L.B. Cowman so perfectly put it, "Like a true goldsmith, God stops the fire the moment He sees His image in the glowing metal... Don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late. Then you will know you could never have served in your place of higher service without having been taught the very things you learned during your ordeal. God is in the process of educating you for future service and greater blessings." (Streams in the Desert)

We will wait, and seek, and study, and pray. And we will watch for Him to shine His light just enough for us to see the next step.

When Your Spouse's Words Deflate You

It came out of no where.

We were sitting down with the kids having lunch and a nice conversation. I said something, and he responded in a way that I perceived as very critical and unkind. And I was deflated. Immediately.

The conversation ended there, and he could tell what had happened without me even having to say anything. We have talked about this before. He knows how important words are to me. He knows they have the power to build me up or destroy me. And he knew what he had just done. He apologized, and I could see in his eyes that he meant it.  I believed he was sorry, but that didn't change the way I felt.

As lunch ended and I cleaned the kitchen up (I declined his offer to help), my mind kept going back to what he said. I stewed on it. Angry thoughts came to my head. "Well, now I know what he REALLY thinks." "I'm sure not going to bring that up anymore!" A song came on the radio reminding me to forgive. I sang the song, but still the battle raged in my mind and heart. I recognized my tendency to hold on to hurt, and I really wanted to change that about myself. Yet I lacked the strength to change my own heart. Finally, I went to change the laundry. In my mind flashed an image of Scott and me laughing together, enjoying each other, loving each other. Quietly the Lord spoke to my heart, "Doesn't that feel so much better than this?" I agreed that, yes, feeling free to love and laugh with my husband feels much better than being held captive to anger and hurt feelings. He reminded me that in order to take hold of the one I had to let go of the other. That finally gave me what I needed to fully let go.

We can't control what the people around us do or say. We can't control how their actions or words make us feel, but we can control how we will respond to it. I must admit that the old me would have definitely held on to that hurt and let it affect the way I treated Scott for the rest of the day, at least. But this me, the one who is daily seeking to be refined and sanctified by Christ, allowed Him to break through my thoughts. And this me decided to act on what I know, rather than what I feel. He had apologized, after all, and he was authentic in his remorse. The burden of responsibility lay with me.

After the kids were in bed, we sat in the living room folding laundry. We were casually talking and enjoying each others' company. Gently I said, "You know you really hurt my feeling earlier, right?" He said, "I know, and I am so sorry." I told him I knew he was sorry, I could tell when he had said it. I had seen the pain in his eyes when he realized he had hurt me. I told him about my struggle to let it go, but that I realized that if I wanted God to change me I had to actually allow him to. He looked me in the eyes and thanked me for being the woman that I am.

I believe that this is one of God's purposes for marriage. He created us to sharpen each other, to make each other better. And that means there will be conflict. I pray that God would always cultivate in me a spirit that is willing to grow.

We see it as pain and hurt and struggle in our marriage. He sees it as a way to make us more like Himself. 

How "Should" Is The Destroyer Of Joy

Should. This word slips unnoticed into our vocabulary all of the time. "We should try that new restaurant down the street." "You should be considered for that promotion because you are such a great worker." "I really should go to the grocery store before we completely run out of food." That last one finds its way out of my mouth more frequently than I'd like to admit. 

"Should" worms its way into our vocabulary without us even giving it a second thought. But soon, if we aren't careful, it starts to show its ugly side. Before we are even aware of it, "should" starts telling us about the ways that we don't measure up. "I should exercise more if I ever want to look as good as she does." "I should be able to have my act together and keep my house clean." "My husband and I should be able to get along as well as that other couple does." And when our realities don't measure up to all of the "should" statements, our joy turns to disappointment.  

Seven years ago I was sitting beside my husband on an overly stuffed brown chair in our therapist's office. We were meeting with him for help in putting our shattered marriage back together. I started telling our therapist about the stress and disappointment I was feeling because of all the things I wasn't able to accomplish that I should. I wasn't able to keep up with the laundry.  I wasn't able to keep the house clean. I wasn't able to reliably have dinner on the table. I was losing my mind trying to care for our 3 very young children, not to mention look put together all the time. Plus there was the whole "my husband was gone for 2 months with another woman and was back home and we were trying to figure out how in the world to move past the hurt and build a marriage that had any hope of surviving" part. And I was talking about how I "should" be able to deal and keep every other aspect in my life as perfect as everyone else was portraying in their pictures. When I finally stopped talking long enough to take a breath, our therapist asked me one simple question. "Megan, WHO is telling you that you 'should' be able to do all of this?" He already knew the answer, but he knew I needed to voice it. I had nothing. I had no one else that I could put the blame on for all of these "should" expectations but myself. And in voicing this, I realized that if I was the one putting these expectations on myself, I was the one who could give myself a break. I didn't have to "should" anymore. I needed to take a step back and analyze where I was at that point in my life and figure out what was realistic for me then and what was not. And that was so freeing. 

This is still a battle that I fight every day. It's not a one-and-done kind of thing. With all of the perfection that everyone portrays on social media, it is so easy to fall into a "should" mentality when looking at our lives compared to what we see in others' lives. Even in the absence of social media, this expectation of "should" seems to be one of Satan's favorite traps. He is always there, whispering in our ears about the ways that we don't measure up and how we "should" be doing better. And it is impossible to feel joy and contentment in our lives when we are buying into the "should". 

I want to challenge you to think about your "should". What expectations do you have for yourself that are unrealistic and are stealing your joy? Are they about yourself as a woman? Your work? Your home? Marriage? Kids? Even your faith? What things have you been telling yourself that you need to give yourself permission to let go of? Prayerfully consider these things and daily surrender them to God and ask Him to fill you with the peace and joy that only He can give. And walk forward in the life that He has given you. The one that only YOU get to live. 

When Things Get Stripped Away

I have, at various times in my life, felt like God was stripping away from me the very things I had been holding close. A desire for something that I thought would make me happy. A relationship with a friend that fulfilled me deeply. Unity and closeness with my husband that lulled me into a sleepy complacency. God has allowed the things that I held close to be stripped away, because I was holding them too closely. My fingers were wrapped around them in a vice grip. And when He strips them free from my hands, it always leaves me with deep gashes in my hands and in my heart.

I once again allowed my focus to be lured away from Him, wooed by other things that promised to fill me up to overflowing, but always fall short. And when they have left me in wanting, when my heart is parched and bleeding because the thing that promised to fill me didn't and now on top of that has been pulled away from me, my eyes finally turn back to the One who was the only One who could ever fill me in the way I was designed to be filled. He doesn't do this because He is being unkind. He does this because He is good. He does this because He knows that He is the only One who can fill me, and I won't ever give up the other thing on my own. I don't believe that God is against allowing us the things that bring us pleasure. I do think He is against us wanting those things more than we want Him. The darkness and loneliness that I feel in these times cause me to finally, finally put my focus back where it's supposed to be. On Him.

I'm a difficult student. If only I would always remember that He is the only source of my filling, then I wouldn't have to find myself in these dark places. If only I were better at keeping my desires and focus in check, keeping God in the forefront and everything else neatly in line behind Him. If only I wouldn't put too much pressure on some other thing to fill the deep longings in my heart.

Then.... well, then I wouldn't get to be reminded, over and over and over again, that God is good and is all I need. Then, well I suppose then I wouldn't have the experience of falling on my knees at the foot of His cross, over and over, as His tender hands cup my face and He says, "daughter, I've been here all along, waiting for your eyes to once again find Me". And then I might lose sight of just how much I need Him and His grace and mercy, and how empty I feel without them. Moses had to go into the darkness of a cloud to find God (Exodus 20:21). And I am finding that the things I learn about God when I find Him in the darkness are the things that leave the sweetest marks on my heart.

At Square One

I sat on my front porch and listened to the birds singing their sunrise songs, my hands wrapped around my hot cup of coffee. My mind swirled as I thought about the past 5 months. I had a surgery that was desperately needed, but one that I had a difficult recovery from. In the weeks that followed, as my body healed, I began to feel as though my spirit were still asleep. I have heard that it is common for people to feel depressed after they have a surgery, and I suppose this was the case. I went through the motions of my life, tending to daily tasks, trying to love my husband and mother my children, keep my home running. But all the while, my spirit slumbered and I grew increasingly isolated. This was new for me. I have always been an emotional person, a feeler rather than a thinker, but I have never struggled in the way that I was struggling, and for so long. I felt like my prayers were whispers, too quiet and shaky for God to hear. And though I struggled to hear His answers, all I heard was silence. 

My thoughts were interrupted by the sweet, short chirps of a cardinal. My eyes scanned the trees and power lines as I searched for it. The beautiful red cardinal, my favorite bird, has been for decades to me a sign that God is near. In high school, I would see cardinals fly by and think of them as little gifts from God to tell me that He loves me. I heard another chirp and saw the streak of red as he landed on the power line on the other side of our tree. My heart ached. Instead of the usual "Thanks, God!" or "Hello to you as well!" that I have said countless times in my life, my heart cried, "Do you even still see me, God? Do you still hear me and know me and see what I am going through? Do you still have purpose for me, or are my days of being used by you over?" 

The beautiful red bird flew from the line into my tree and slowly made his way over to my side. In my head I thought, "If there were TWO cardinals, then I'd know for sure that this is from God." I smiled, embarrassed at my thought, as though I were no better than Gideon, with his "dry fleece laying in the dew" and "wet fleece laying on dry ground" (Judges 6:36-40). As I watched him, marveling again at his beauty, my heart skipped a beat as I heard a second cardinal. His mate came flying in, chirping her song to him, and speaking straight into my heart. Two cardinals were in my tree. 

Finally, after so many months of feeling alone and unseen and unusable, I heard His voice. He whispered to me, "It's ok, daughter. I see your heart. And you can trust me with it." And He continues to speak to me, revealing His plans and using my struggles to help me and other people.  

No matter how long you have been walking with God, no matter how many trials He has walked you through, you may find yourself back at square 1 in your faith. And if you do, take heart! Even if you can't see Him, He does see you, and you can trust Him with your heart and your purpose. Continue seeking after Him, daily reading His Word. He is there. And look for YOUR cardinals.